Navigating the Division of Labor in New Parenthood: The Role of Fair Play
In my work with new moms and families, I often see the struggle with dividing responsibilities that comes with new parenthood. The transition to becoming a mom involves not just an emotional shift, but also a significant increase in logistical and operational tasks. Essentially, you’re taking on two new roles: parent and co-parent. This period can be overwhelming, as you’re balancing more responsibilities and exhaustion than ever before.
It's essential to recognize that systemic barriers exacerbate these challenges. Society often fails to support new parents adequately, with issues such as insufficient and unpaid parental leave, limited affordable childcare, high living costs, systemic racism, and lack of social support.
These systemic issues can make the postpartum period particularly tough. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s because our current systems don’t provide the comprehensive support needed for new families.
While adopting a system like Fair Play won’t solve all these systemic problems, it offers a valuable starting point. Fair Play helps make the often invisible mental load of parenting more visible and encourages discussions about fairness and equity within families.
My interest in Fair Play began both as a parent and a therapist. When I was a new mom, a colleague introduced me to the concept. Reading the book was a revelation, and I felt truly seen and validated. A few years later, I became a certified Fair Play facilitator to deepen my understanding and commitment.
What is Fair Play?
Fair Play, developed by Eve Rodsky, a lawyer and family mediator, is both a book and a game designed to address the imbalance in household responsibilities. Rodsky’s insight came when she realized she was shouldering most of the mental load in her household—a common experience for many women. Statistically, women handle about two-thirds or more of the labor needed to manage a home and family.
The Impact and Importance:
Women are nearly twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in their lifetime.
Women contribute $10.8 trillion annually in unpaid labor (Oxfam).
US women experience the highest rate of emotional distress compared to other countries.
68% of working mothers report parental burnout, compared to 42% of working fathers.
According to the American Psychological Association's March 2021 Stress in America Report, 39% of mothers reported worsening mental health, compared to 25% of fathers.
Key Components of Fair Play:
CPE (Conception, Planning, Execution):
One game-changing concept in Fair Play is CPE, an organizational framework that promotes ownership and accountability. It stands for Conception, Planning, and Execution. This means the person holding a task is responsible for it from start to finish.
Let’s use grocery shopping as an example:Conception: Recognizing it’s time to shop.
Planning: Making a shopping list, checking the fridge and pantry, getting input from family members, deciding when to shop, and determining how the groceries will be obtained (e.g., in-store or online).
Execution: Shopping, loading and unloading groceries, and handling any expired items.
Minimum Standard of Care:
Another crucial component is discussing and agreeing upon a Minimum Standard of Care for each task. This involves setting shared values and standards for how tasks will be handled with care and confidence.
For example, with grocery shopping, it’s important to agree on:How often shopping should occur.
What types of food or stores will be used.
Specifics like whether grocery bags should be put away or returned to the car.
Having clear standards helps ensure everyone understands and agrees on what’s expected, reducing confusion and fostering fairness.
Implementing Fair Play:
Start by watching the Fair Play documentary or reading Eve Rodsky’s book and using the deck of 100 cards that represent various household tasks.(Facilitator tip - the Fair Play has lots of free, useful resources!) The deck is divided into shared tasks and child-specific tasks. Here’s how to use it effectively:
Sort Your Deck: Customize your deck by removing tasks that don’t apply or aren’t a priority, especially in the postpartum phase. Focus on tasks that have the most significant impact.
Daily Grinds: The yellow coffee cup cards represent non-negotiable, repetitive tasks that often need to be done at specific times. These are a good starting point for managing daily responsibilities with a newborn.
Implementing Fair Play can help create a more balanced distribution of responsibilities in your home, making things feel fairer and freeing up valuable time and space. While it won’t resolve systemic issues, it’s a meaningful step toward creating a more equitable and supportive family environment.
If you’re interested in learning more about how Fair Play can work for you and your family, or if you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me. I’m here to help and support you through this important transition.
References:
Fair Play Method Facilitator Training. Fair Play, Inc.- Completed 09/2023
https://adaa.org/find-help-for/women/anxiety
https://www.christenseninstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/MaternalHealth.pdf
https://www.oxfamamerica.org/explore/stories/why-oxfam-cares-about-care/