The Challenge of Making Mom Friends
As I emerge from the haze of the holidays, I’ve felt a strong urge to reconnect with friendships that, understandably, took a temporary backseat during my kids’ winter break. I made an effort to stay connected, but it’s hard when the days blur together and our kids take center stage—both literally and figuratively—in our lives.
This pause gave me a moment to reflect on my adult friendships and the significant role they play in my life. Having attended an all-girls high school, been part of a sorority in college, and worked in predominantly women-centric settings, connections with other women have always been a central and integral part of my life. Living in a household with three boys makes these female friendships feel even more vital.
I feel fortunate to have found a wonderful local community of moms. While I often say I “stumbled” into it, I realize I need to give myself more credit. I’ve worked hard to build these friendships and have made an effort to prioritize them. Sure, there are stretches when text messages go unanswered or we don’t see each other as often, but I know they’re there when I need them. I show up for them, and they show up for me. We’re the kind of friends who make sure we’re each other’s emergency contacts or authorized school pick-up people. When I’m stuck in traffic or mistime a haircut (true story), they’re the ones who step in to grab my kids.
And yet, despite this strong bond, I still experience bouts of insecurity, questioning the strength of our friendships. I wonder if I’m reaching out enough, if my effort matches theirs, or if they feel as connected to me as I do to them. These moments of doubt often arise after seeing social media posts of other moms seemingly closer or more connected, leaving me questioning if I’m doing enough to nurture my own friendships. It’s the social media comparison trap at its finest—FOMO whispering in your ear that maybe you’re missing something.
But I’ve come to realize that this phenomenon is not unique to me. Many moms I work with express similar feelings, even in their strongest relationships. Motherhood can amplify these insecurities because it often limits the time and energy we can devote to friendships. The result? Lingering doubts about whether we’re good enough friends, or if our relationships are as deep as we want them to be.
This reflection reminded me of a podcast I listened to before the holiday chaos, one that explored the shifting landscape of friendships. On Under the Influence, Jo Piazza interviews Anna Goldfarb about her book Modern Friendship. Goldfarb’s insights about the challenges and joys of adult friendships felt deeply relevant, especially as a mom navigating the complexities of connection in this season of life.
Motherhood changes everything—our schedules, priorities, bodies, and relationships—and our friendships are no exception. I hear this all the time in my sessions with moms and have experienced it firsthand. Navigating friendships in motherhood can feel overwhelming, intimidating, and, at times, even awkward. Throw in sickness, holidays, and an unpredictable baby or toddler, and it’s easy to put building or maintaining friendships on the back burner.
Goldfarb’s perspective helped me see that these doubts and challenges aren’t a sign of failure—they’re a reflection of how much we value connection. They’re an opportunity to pause, reflect, and intentionally nurture the friendships that matter most, even if they don’t always look perfect from the outside.
Moms Need Others Moms
I know I’m a broken record on this but I firmly believe that moms need other moms. Why? Because no one else quite understands the unique mix of joy, exhaustion, and overwhelm that comes with raising children. Other moms provide a space to share stories, swap advice, and laugh (or cry) about the chaos of motherhood. These connections remind us we’re not alone in navigating the emotional, mental, and physical demands of parenting. Whether it’s a quick venting session, celebrating milestones, or simply knowing someone “gets it,” mom-to-mom friendships offer essential support, validation, and camaraderie in a way no one else can.
There are real benefits to having mom friends. Research shows that moms with strong social support networks are up to 60% less likely to experience postpartum depression. These connections provide critical emotional validation, helping moms feel seen and understood during some of the most challenging periods of parenting. Having someone to lean on in moments of self-doubt or overwhelm can make a significant difference in mental health outcomes.
You are more than just a mom
That being said, moms also need friendships that don’t revolve around their kiddos. We all love our kiddos but we also have interests, hobbies, guilty pleasures (did someone say Bravo?!) that don't involve our kids. And that’s a good thing! We are allowed to exist in relationships that aren’t solely about being a mom. Eve Rodsky’s concept of "Unicorn Space" reminds us that we’re allowed and encouraged to cultivate relationships and activities that celebrate our individuality outside of motherhood. Friendships that honor this can be deeply fulfilling, allowing us to connect over shared passions, explore new experiences, and feel seen for who we are—not just for the role we play.
These connections remind us that we are multifaceted individuals, and by nurturing them, we not only enrich our lives but also model for our children the importance of maintaining a vibrant, independent identity.
The Shifting Landscape of Friendship - Why does it feel harder now?
Goldfarb describes adult friendships as a “beautiful mess”—a delicate balancing act of effort, understanding, and boundaries. For moms, this balancing act can feel even more precarious. Between the demands of caregiving, work, and maintaining a semblance of self-care, the idea of prioritizing friendships can feel overwhelming. I dive deeper into this struggle in my past blog post: Why Moms Need Other Moms Now More Than Ever—Where the Fck is My Village?*
So why do some friendships fizzle out or never truly spark in the first place—especially during motherhood? One key reason may be a lack of clarity or shared purpose. As Goldfarb wisely notes, “Every friendship needs an about.” This "about" serves as the foundation—a clear and compelling reason for the connection to exist and sustain. Without it, friendships can feel aimless or fall by the wayside.
Motherhood often amplifies this need for a defined “about.” As we navigate sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, or the chaos of school drop-offs, we naturally gravitate toward friendships that meet specific needs. Science tells us we typically form friendships for five main reasons:
Mating: Finding partners or navigating relationships.
Career: Networking and professional growth.
Emotional Support: Sharing the highs and lows of parenting with someone who understands.
Hobbies and Passions: Connecting over interests beyond parenting.
Sociability: Simply enjoying each other’s company and having fun.
Reflecting on your friendships as you transition into motherhood, ask yourself: What is this friendship about? Is the "about" clear and compelling to both of you? For example, some mom friendships may thrive on emotional support—bonding over shared parenting struggles—while others might focus on hobbies or professional goals. Recognizing and nurturing this shared "about" can help you cultivate meaningful connections, even as your priorities shift.
Motherhood may shift the landscape of friendship, but it also offers opportunities to forge deeper, more intentional relationships with others who share your journey or complement your growth.
Understanding Friendship Styles
One of the most powerful insights Goldfarb shares is the idea of categorizing friendships based on their roles in our lives. She introduces a playful but meaningful framework:
Bathtub Friends: These are your closest confidants, the 1-2 people you turn to when life feels overwhelming.
Jacuzzi Friends: A core support group of 3-5 people who are there for meaningful connections and deeper conversations.
Swimming Pool Friends: A larger circle of 10-15 people you can lean on for support and shared experiences.
Bonfire Friends: Around 50 casual acquaintances who bring light and warmth to your social life but don’t require deep engagement.
Water Park Friends: The broadest category, representing roughly 150 “weddings and funerals” connections—people you know and care about but interact with less frequently.
This framework helps moms manage expectations and appreciate the unique roles each friend plays. Not every friendship needs to be a “bathtub” level of intimacy to be meaningful.
Practical Tips for Cultivating Friendships in Motherhood
Here are a few tips inspired by Goldfarb’s ideas and my own experiences as a mom and therapist:
Embrace Seasonal Friendships: Not all friendships last forever, and that’s okay. Some people are in our lives for specific seasons, offering support or companionship when we need it most.
Make the First Move: It’s easy to assume everyone else is too busy, but reaching out to schedule a playdate, walk, coffee meetup, or even a quick phone call can reignite a connection.
Set Realistic Expectations: Life is full, and friendships may not always look like they did pre-kids. Be honest about what you can give and accept that your friends may be navigating their own challenges too.
Align Your Friendship Style: Reflect on which category your friendships fall into and nurture them accordingly. Understanding these roles helps you focus on quality rather than quantity.
Lean Into Vulnerability: Being open about your struggles and joys can deepen connections. Sometimes, just admitting “I feel lonely” is the first step to finding your village.
Connect Across Motherhood Phases: Building relationships with moms in different phases of motherhood can be incredibly enriching. These connections offer unique opportunities for guidance, shared understanding, and mutual support. Mentors who have navigated stages you’re currently facing can provide reassurance and sage wisdom, while confidants in the same phase as you offer solidarity in the chaos. Similarly, supporting moms who are just entering stages you’ve already passed allows you to give back and reflect on your own journey.
For example, I was recently at my son's friend's birthday party, trying to chat with other guests while also attempting to wrangle my boys away from any and all potentially dangerous activities they were engaging in. The woman I was speaking with happened to be a fellow boy mom, but her two boys were now grown. She was both empathetic and understanding about the chaos of raising two spirited boys so close in age. Hearing her guidance, reassurance, and support felt so comforting—it was like receiving a verbal hug from someone who truly gets it. Her sage wisdom and perspective, having navigated it herself, made me feel immediately bonded to her in a way that was both refreshing and so needed in that moment.
These kinds of cross-phase connections remind us that we’re part of a greater collective of moms who’ve walked, are walking, or will walk similar paths. Whether you’re seeking wisdom, offering support, or simply sharing in the journey, these relationships foster mutual growth and enrich your experience of motherhood.
Reaching Out, Letting In, and Moving On
Building friendships in motherhood requires courage, effort, and sometimes, vulnerability. It’s not always easy to put yourself out there—to approach another mom at a playdate, strike up a conversation at a birthday party, or text someone you’ve been meaning to connect with. But these small acts of reaching out can lead to some of the most meaningful relationships, ones that remind you that you’re not navigating motherhood alone.
Vulnerability is key to deepening these connections. Being honest about your struggles, sharing your joys, and admitting when you feel lonely or overwhelmed can open the door to real, authentic friendships. It’s in these moments that bonds are formed, creating relationships that feel supportive and nurturing.
At the same time, part of maintaining healthy friendships is knowing when it’s time to let one go. Motherhood changes us, and sometimes, friendships that once felt fulfilling may no longer serve us. If a friendship feels one-sided, draining, or no longer aligns with your values or needs, it’s okay to step back. Letting go creates space for new, more aligned connections to flourish.
Putting yourself out there might feel intimidating, but it’s worth it. The connections you create—whether they’re "bathtub friends" or "bonfire friends"—add richness, joy, and support to your life. In the ever-shifting landscape of motherhood, your village might look different than you imagined, but with intention and openness, it can become exactly what you need.
So take the leap. Send the text, make the call, or start the conversation. Your next great friendship might be just around the corner, waiting for you to say, “Hi.”
References:
Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections by Anna Goldfarg
Find Your Unicorn Space by Eve Rodsky
Taylor, Billie Lever et al. “The relationship between social support in pregnancy and postnatal depression.” Social psychiatry and psychiatric epidemiology vol. 57,7(2022)
Featured image by Cristina Spanò