Self-Care Isn’t a Product—It’s a Practice: How to Build a Practice of Opting In and Out
What do you think of when you hear the phrase “self-care”? Be honest. I know it makes me roll my eyes a bit as a fellow busy mom being told I need to do one.more.thing. Yet, I find myself coming back to it as I haven’t found a better catch-all phrase to refer to tending to one’s own needs. Open to any and all suggestions!
Self-care has become a buzzword, taken over by consumer culture and reshaped into yet another expectation placed on moms. What began as a meaningful practice—caring for yourself to sustain well-being—has evolved into something very different. The concept of self-care gained prominence during the 1960s and 1970s, particularly through the work of activists like Audre Lorde, a writer and feminist. Lorde emphasized that caring for oneself was a radical political act, especially for marginalized communities facing systemic oppression. For Lorde and others within the Black and LGBTQ+ communities, self-care became an essential strategy for survival and resistance during periods of social struggle
The shift in the meaning of self-care—from a tool for survival and personal well-being to a consumer-driven trend—happened gradually over several decades, influenced by both social movements and economic factors. Sadly, it's been repackaged into a marketing tool that tells individuals that they need to buy more, do more, and be more in order to feel whole.
And moms are intentionally being targeted! And why is that?! Because mothers wield significant purchasing power, controlling 85% of household purchasing decisions in the U.S., contributing to over $2 trillion in annual spending.
We’re told that fulfillment can be found in candles, face masks, and subscription boxes, instead of in meaningful things like boundaries, rest, and support. This consumer version of self-care shifts the burden back onto moms, implying that burnout can be solved with a manicure or the latest yoga gear. The deeper needs—like shared responsibilities, systemic support, and time to rest—get overlooked in favor of products that promise quick fixes. The message becomes: If you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, you just need to try harder or buy the right product.
But true self-care isn’t found in shopping carts—it lies in creating space for yourself, embracing imperfection, and accepting that it’s okay not to do it all.
Opting In and Opting Out: Two Sides of Self-Care
This brings us to a more meaningful way to think about self-care—not as a product or activity, but as a balance between opting in and opting out. Both are essential to our well-being. Opting in means saying “yes” to what brings joy, peace, or connection, while opting out involves releasing what drains your energy and letting others help without guilt.
This approach reminds us that self-care is a matter of choice, not consumption. It’s not about doing more but about choosing intentionally—when to engage and when to step away.
Now, let’s dive into what these practices can look like in everyday life.
Opting In: Choosing What Nourishes You
Opting in is the side of self-care that involves actively doing things that nurture your well-being. These are the moments when you intentionally choose yourself—activities that bring joy, offer rest, or create a sense of peace amidst the chaos.
Opting in can look like:
Booking the massage, manicure, or spa treatment that makes you feel more like a human. .
Saying yes to that brunch or coffee date with a friend, even if it’s hard to coordinate schedules.
Going for a solo walk or hike, just to be alone with your thoughts and enjoy the fresh air.
Setting up a childcare swap with another parent, giving both of you a chance for uninterrupted time.
Trying out that new hobby you’ve been interested in doing.
These activities are valuable, but they address only part of the equation. Sometimes the most powerful self-care isn’t about what you do—it’s about what you let go of.
Opting Out: The Harder Side of Self-Care
While opting in can feel indulgent and enjoyable, opting out can be much harder. Opting out means releasing yourself from the endless list of to-dos, handing off tasks, and letting others help—even if it feels easier to do everything yourself. This type of self-care is about permission: permission to pause, rest, and set boundaries.
Opting out can look like:
Handing off bedtime routines, even if it takes more energy to explain the process to someone else.
Saying no to volunteering for that school event, even though you feel pressure to participate.
Skipping chores like laundry or dishes for the night so you can get to bed earlier.
Asking your partner, a family member, or friend to take on a task and resisting the urge to step in to make sure it’s “done right.”
These moments of opting out can feel uncomfortable, especially in a culture that often glorifies busyness and perfectionism. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that accepting help or saying no is a sign of failure. But letting go isn’t giving up—it’s giving yourself the care and space you deserve.
Beyond Self-Care: Addressing Burnout, Oppression, and Systemic Barriers
While opting in and opting out are essential practices for well-being, they alone are not enough. The root causes of burnout run much deeper—stemming from the mental load, societal expectations, and lack of structural support, which disproportionately impact marginalized communities. For many parents, particularly Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC) mothers, these challenges are compounded by institutionalized racism, economic inequities, and the pressures of navigating oppressive systems.
Burnout is not just an individual problem—it’s systemic. The cultural expectation that parents, especially mothers, must do it all—without rest or adequate support—further reinforces these inequities. Self-care, when framed as an individual responsibility, ignores the broader social structures that perpetuate inequality and unfairly shifts the burden onto parents, often women, to solve burnout on their own.
True self-care must extend beyond personal practices and be supported by systemic change. This includes addressing racism, building equitable communities of care, and advocating for policies that redistribute responsibilities at home and in the workplace. It also requires acknowledging that asking for help, setting boundaries, and saying no are not selfish acts—they are necessary forms of resistance. By challenging the systems that devalue caregiving and marginalize certain groups, we create space for collective well-being.
Your Well-Being Matters— Start There
So, whether you book the massage, leave the dishes for tomorrow, or ask for help, remember: taking care of yourself is resistance. In a culture that rewards overwork and expects mothers to carry the mental load without pause, prioritizing yourself is a powerful statement. Your needs matter, and the care you provide others starts with showing up for yourself first—even if that means letting go of the pressure to do it all.
Reference List:
Brandman, Mariana. “Audre Lorde.” National Women’s History Museum. 2021.
www.womenshistory.org/education-resources/biographies/audre-lord
Kleber and Associates. (n.d.). The CPO of the Home: How Women Influence Home Purchases. Retrieved from Kleber and Associates